Applications for the School Counselor from "Man's Search for Meaning" - Part 2

Frankl addresses what he calls "the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way" (Frankl, p. 66).

Attitude is Everything
Psychology discusses the locus of control within an individual. Students with an external locus of control believe that external events determine their happiness. When things go wrong, they are likely to blame others, blame their teacher, and blame their circumstances. Pointing the finger or phrases such as "But he did this to me" are common from these students.  They feel that their world is controlled by the events around them.

On the other hand, students with an internal locus of control believe that they maintain a sense of control despite external events.  For example, a student with an internal locus of control will say, "I am responsible for my actions" despite their classmates goofing off or being disruptive.

One of my fourth grade students demonstrates an internal locus of control.  Despite living in poverty herself, she chooses to focus on what she can do.  She babysits younger children in her neighborhood and helps to teach them letters and numbers. 

As school counselors, we must help students change the lens through which they view the world. 

Questions that promote an internal locus of control include:

• Can you control him/her?
• Who are you responsible for?
• What was your part in the problem?
• What can you do to help change the situation? 

Helping Students Find Meaning

Frankl said "the prisoner who had lost faith in the future - his future - was doomed" (Frankl, p. 74). Based on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we know that students living in poverty worry about their physiological and safety needs.  Sometimes my students are sleeping on couches, worrying about what they will eat for dinner, afraid of being evicted from their home, or fearful of neighborhood violence.  These students are living at the bottom of the pyramid.
 


(Image taken from costaricantimes.com)

The top portion of Maslow's pyramid focuses on concepts such as "respect of others", "morality," "achievement", and "inner potential."  When working with students in poverty, it is important to support their ascent to the top of the pyramid.  Frankl quotes a saying - "He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how (Frankl, p. 76)."  This shows us even more so how important it is to help students in poverty find purpose, meaning, and potential.

Practical Ways to Promote Meaning and Purpose
Frankl identifies three main ways: "(1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering" (p. 111)


Work

• Students living in poverty have less exposure to college and professional career options.  College and career exploration is a great way to help students "ascend" the pyramid. 
• Career Cafes 
• Career professionals are invited to speak to students during their lunchtime.  Students learn about the profession and are given the opportunity to ask questions.
• Build connections with the Career and Technical Education programs at your local high school
• For example, the students in the Nursing program at our local high school will be coming to lead hands-on activities with fifth grade students interested in nursing.
• A Good Deed
• Work is not the only way to find meaning.  Frankl also discusses doing "a good deed."  Service projects and fundraisers are a great way to help promote an internal locus of control in students.  Instead of students asking, "What can I get?", they are challenged to ask, "What can I give?"

• Relationships

• Promoting positive relationships is a large part of our role as school counselor. 
• Staff Mentor Program
• Pair volunteer staff with students exhibiting behavior problems - focus on building a positive relationship between the student and staff member!
• "Steps to Respect" Program
• The program is scripted and a "ready to go" program that helps students learn and practice relationship-building skills with their peers.
• Meaning
• Part of my job is helping students find healing, whether it be going through their parents divorce or witnessing domestic violence.
• Frankl encourages us to go a step beyond this - not only can students find healing, but also meaning in their suffering.

 

Existential Vacuum

Frankl conducted a survey which found that 25% of American students showed signs of what he calls that "existential vacuum." Comparable to the Sunday afternoon "blah," the existential vacuum occurs when a person has a lack of meaning for their life.

*Depressed and suicidal students are likely to shows signs of the existential vacuum. 



School counselors can help provide meaning for students through:

• Classroom jobs
• Pairing them with mentors
• Peer helper programs
• Service projects
• Classroom buddies for new students 
• Connecting them with volunteer opportunities

One Last Point...Anticipatory Anxiety
One last point I would like to address is anticipatory anxiety.

The first school I worked at as a school counselor was an affluent, suburban school.  Many of our students, especially high achieving students, experienced anticipatory anxiety. They would become excessively worried before a test, in anticipation of a family change, or before applying for a club or leadership position.

Frankl discusses paradoxical intention. From a layman's perspective, this is basically giving the student permission to do whatever he or she fears will happen. For example, "I want you to miss as many problems as possible on your test." This will likely make the student laugh, but paradoxically giving the student permission to do this will actually ease their anticipatory anxiety.

Overcoming Obstacles Lesson

Small Group

I am currently running two small groups for upper grades students with low academic motivation. Some of these kids openly admit that they do not like school - and the underlying reason is often that school is difficult for them.  More difficult than it was for me and you.

Unconditional Positive Regard

Throughout this group, I have found it important to create a group environment that allows for honesty and discussion.  This group is not about students giving me the "right answers."  When I facilitate this small group, I remember one of the tenets of Carl Rogers' person-centered theory - unconditional positive regard.  This means that I accept the students as they are and without judgment.  The goal is not to tell them that they should like school.  The goal is to help uncover what is holding them back and inspire them to change.

I hope for light bulb moments - moments when they realize how their thought patterns hold them back or moments when they catch a piece of inspiration that can push them to do better.  I remember a session when one of the students shared damaging words from a relative about their potential for success.  Challenging these false beliefs and making connections for success is what this group is all about!

Videos

One thing I love to use with this group is videos.  Videos are visual, attention-grabbing, sometimes funny, and sometimes emotional.  When showing some of the videos, several of the boys have jokingly (or maybe it was truth in jest) said, "I'm going to cry!" 

When something triggers the emotional part of our brain, we tend to remember it better.

Below are several of the motivational videos I use as part of my work with these students.

Video #1



Discussion Questions:

• What was his dream?
• What stood in the way?
• What kept him going?

And the key is to always relate the content of the video back to their personal situation!

Video #2



Discussion Questions:

• What was his obstacle?
• How did he overcome it?
• How can our attitude influence our situation?

Video #3

Dear Jennifer: My Friend's Child Rough-Houses Too Much...What Do I Do?

Hi all,

After posting my blog, I received a question from a concerned parent.  First, let me begin by saying that I am not a parent myself (yet).  :)

Secondly, my college and graduate work, personal research, and many experiences working with parents have given me insight into the world of parenting.  I am not an expert, but I am learning.

Below is the question, and my response...

Question:

Recently I was in a situation where a friend's son was rough-housing with my son, beyond what he was comfortable with. The mom was addressing the problem, but with little change in her child's behavior.

It has been hard to know how to navigate so that my child was protected, while allowing this mom to be the mom. I ended up backing away from play dates for a few months, although my son expressed some concerns about play time with him at preschool. 
 

How do you recommend addressing this issue so that the needs of both children are honored, and so that the other parent involved is encouraged in her parenting, rather than feeling criticized by a frustrated mama-bear?

I felt really concerned that my son would think I wasn't protecting him if I didn't step in, but also concerned that I would be overstepping my friend's parenting responsibilities if I did so. How do you find an appropriate balance?

Wow, what a difficult question to answer!  Parenting is such a sticky issue because, especially as women, being a mother becomes a large part of our identity.  If someone suggests that our parenting is less than perfect, we equate ourselves with being incompetent.

So, first of all, let's recognize our humanity - allow for mistakes and value the grace we all need in learning to be a parent.  For indeed, it is a great learning undertaking!


Parenting Styles

There are four well known parenting styles - authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved.  They all differ on the parent's level of warmth (acceptance) and expectations (control).  The below image from www.psychotherapyseattle.com provides a visual image of each parenting style.



In general, the authoritative parenting style with high levels of warmth and high expectation is found to be most effective.  However, in dangerous living conditions (e.g. neighborhoods with violence, drugs, and/or gangs), the authoritarian parenting style can be beneficial.

In my own opinion, I consider a parenting style more flexible than a personality.  They say that the main components of personality are formed by age 6.  Personality is rather stable.  However, I believe that parenting style is more intentional and flexible.

It is good to assess your own parenting style and see how your friend's parenting style may or may not differ.

So back to your question... :)

The "Sandwich" Approach

It is hard for any of us to hear criticism about ourselves or our children.  In general, I follow the "sandwich" technique when approaching a difficult conversation.  Layer the meat of "difficult information" with the bread of "positive information." 

I usually start a difficult conversation with a common goal we share. 

• For example, "I know my boy really enjoys playing with your Tommy.  I love that they can have play dates together." 

Now for the meat of the sandwich...it is always easier for us to accept advice or changes if we feel like the changes are self-directed - in other words, it was our idea.  The meat of the conversation should be a teamwork effort. 

• For example, "I've noticed that the boys rough-house when they are together, and sometimes I worry about one of them getting hurt.  What do you think we can do to help the boys stay safer?" 

This exchange is an adult to adult exchange.  It acknowledges the shared purpose and the value of the other individual's ideas. 

Since the other parent feels safe in this conversation, she is more likely to express her own frustrations or failed efforts.  This approach allows both of you the opportunity to share in a mutually beneficial conversation and generate ideas to set appropriate boundaries for the boys. 

Creating a Safe Environment

The key is creating a safe environment in which the other parent does not feel attacked.  When the other parent feels attacked, she goes into "fight or flight" mode.  She will either fight, argue, or defend herself and her child...or she will refuse to engage in the conversation.  Neither the "fight or flight" mode are beneficial in this situation.

Here are 4 steps to creating a safe environment:

1. Establish a mutual purpose. 
2. State your observations.
3. Elicit and value the other parent's feedback.
4. Share your feedback. 

If the parent continues to set boundaries that put your son at risk, it is your choice to restrict his time with the other child. 


Natural Consequences

For children who rough-house too much, limited play dates sometimes become a natural consequence of their behavior.  Parents and children who once were playmates begin to withdraw.  This natural consequence can help both the parent and child re-evaluate their behavior and modify as needed.

More Bulletin Board Ideas - Diversity and Leadership

As educators, we may love or despise bulletin boards, but they are often part of our job! 

I love to use them as a way to either display student work or to communicate important messages that align with our school's mission.

Below are some bulletin board ideas that I "re-created" for my office...

The bulletin board below is centered around diversity - in a kid-friendly way.  Although I keep it up year-round, it would be great during Bully Prevention Month or as summer approaches.

 

I love this next bulletin board - partly because I love the beach! 

 

My school is a Leader in Me school, which basically means we teach the 7 Habits (Sean Covey).  This bulletin board combines the best of both worlds - the beach and the 7 Habits.  Some of the ways to make footsteps worth following are:  "Work First, then Play", "Set Goals for Myself", and "Choose My Actions, Attitudes, and Moods." 

 

Below is a link to the "Fadeless Design Roll - Tropical Beach" that I used in the below bulletin board.  It can be bought from Stones Education at the following link.

 

Fadeless Design Paper - Tropical Beach

 



 



Door Decor

One thing I always loved to do at my first school was decorate my office door seasonally.  Below are some of the door décor ideas I used. 
 



 

  

This first decoration appeared on my door before the Holidays.  I simply used holiday bows from the Dollar Store to make a festive smiley face on my door. 

 

 My next theme was a winter theme.  It says, "We are all SNOW unique!"  Although I didn't do this, it would be fun to have a small group or class write ways they are unique and add it to this door display.

Below is my spring décor for my office door.  It would be cute to hot glue the Easter green grass that you can buy from Wal-Mart to the display to give it some texture and dimension. 

 

Lastly, below is my fall door décor - "Fall Into Good Habits."  My current school is doing the Leader in Me program by Sean Covey - and it would be neat to use the 7 Habits on the leaves.

 

Applications for the School Counselor from "Man's Search for Meaning" Part 1

This past month, I have been reading Man's Search for Meaning, written by Victor Frankl.  Victor Frankl was a doctor who experienced the horrors of the concentration camps during World War II, and then later treated patients recovering mentally and emotionally from the concentration camps.

One quote from the book reads, "An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior (Frankl, p. 20)." 

Application #1: When our students are going through divorce, abuse, homelessness, violence, or any other type of trauma, we can expect an abnormal reaction.  This may display itself as acting out - disruptive, threats, fighting, fits - or acting in - withdrawal, loss of interest in friends and school, self-harm, or thoughts of suicide.  This might be considered "normal" in the context of an abnormal situation.  Later in this post, we will talk about how to address these concerning reactions.

The book also discusses the 3 main phases the prisoners go through.  The second stage is apathy.  In this stage, the prisoner's dulls everything else to focus on one goal - survival. 

Application #2: While our students do not live in prisons, some do live in homes and neighborhoods where they live in fear because of violence, poverty, domestic violence, and abuse.  We must accept that psychologically they may appear egocentric - focused on themselves.  They may seem to only care about lunch and sleep, along with anything pleasurable - such as video games or recess.  These students may be focused on their survival due to the conditions in which they daily live.  So how do we help these students?

Application #3: First, Frankl discusses the importance of the inner life during the phase of apathy.  We can help students use visualization to find what motivates them and hold onto those powerful thoughts.  Art and nature also become very important.  When I say art, I am not just referring to painting or drawing.  It could be writing poems, singing songs, or making sculptures out of clay.

One interesting point Frankl made in his book is this: "To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber.  Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the 'size' of human suffering is absolutely relative (Frankl, p. 44)."

Application #4: This quote has important applications for the school counselor.  We may work with students who have recently lost a parent or are experiencing suicidal thoughts.  In our triage, these students rank highest and require priority attention.  However, we must not forget that other students facing problems lower on the triage are still experiencing suffering.  And, to them, it feels as if the suffering is experienced in their whole being. 

Feeling Balloon Balls - A Must Have

If you do not have these in your office, I highly, highly recommend making some!  I use these ALL of the time! 

They are great conversation starters with kids on how they feel that day.  Without me asking, sometimes they pull out a feeling balloon ball and say, "This is how I feel." 

They are also great assessment tools.  I may pull out the angry balloon ball and say, "Tell me about a time when you feel angry" or "What do you do when you feel this way?"

If a child feels shameful about feeling angry, sad, or scared, they are more willing to point to the balloon face than say that they feel angry, sad, or scared.

The kids (and adults) love these!  Apart from their counseling purpose, they are great fidget objects to use while talking to a counselor. 

 

Here is how to make them:

 

1. Get a pack of balloons.  I got a $1 pack from Wal-Mart.

2. Stretch the balloons.

3. Use a small funnel to transfer rice into the balloon.  (I use white, long-grained rice, but you could use other things in your balloons, such as flour or sprinkles.  Be careful what you use - if the balloon breaks, it could end up on your floor.)

4. Tie the balloon after it is round and full.

5. Use a permanent marker to draw the feeling faces on each balloon.

Creative Bulletin Boards

I have always loved the fact that my job allows me to be creative and "cute-sy"!  I don't think that word is in Webster's Dictionary.  :)

I love to see what other counselors are doing for Bulletin Boards and sometimes come up with ideas of my own.  Below are some of my favorite bulletin boards that I have done based on ideas from other counselors.

The first bulletin board's theme was "Feeling Puzzled?"  I did this with a co-counselor at the first elementary school I worked at.  It was a great way to help kids, parents, and staff know what we could help with!

 

 

Another bulletin board that was very fun to put together was our "Twister" bulletin board.  Yes, we actually used a Twister mat and spin board!  The kids LOVED the actual Twister wheel that they could spin positioned near the bottom right of the bulletin board.

 

 

 

More bulletin boards to come soon...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talking Goldfish App for Lessons

My kids have always seemed to be mesmerized with the IPad. 

One great App I found this year was a talking animals app.  They have lots of animals to choose from - puppy, pig, monkey, frog, chick...but the one I chose was the talking goldfish! 

I have used this application in my Pre-K and Kindergarten lessons - usually to introduce the topic.  All of those little eyes stare at the IPad screen in anticipation of what "Silver" the goldfish will say. 

It is so easy to use - just download the app, then hit the red button to record, and then presto - whatever you said, the goldfish will now say in his squeaky voice!

The video below is about sharing!

The next video is Silver the Goldfish talking about manners!  These videos are just lots of fun...

Valentine's Day Staff Appreication Gifts

Holidays are a great time to remind the school staff that you appreciate them! 

 

I was only able to do this particular gift for our administration because of the cost of the M&M's.  I used our school colors for the M&M's, and the Valentine's note read, "Do what you love, love what you do."  The M&M's came from "It's Sugar," but some local candy shops also sell colored M&M's.  I printed the tags off myself. 

 



School Counseling Office Decor

A school counselor's office makes a big first impression.  When a child or parent walks in, they decide:  Is this a safe place for me to talk about my life or my child's problems?  Or do I feel like I am in the Principal's Office?

I spend a lot of time in my office - so I want it to represent me and who I am as a counselor - fun, exciting, creative, safe, and caring!

On my office door, I include a simple, easy-to-understand, mission statement that I feel addresses the social-emotional, academic, and career components of the ASCA model.

"My mission is to help students with problems, support their strengths and talents, and guide them towards future success."

I have a Counselor word collage posted to help students and parents understand my role. 

My personal mission statement is also posted on my door.  It communicates to others what motivates me to be a school counselor, and is a great reminder for myself everyday when I walk in!  My personal mission statement is:

"I want to inspire people.  I want someone to look at

me and say, 'Because of you, I didn't give up.'"

 

Below is a photo of my office door, with a colorful, fun border.  You can buy the border from Stones Education Superstore:

Character Education Bolder Border®, T-85062

 
Once students enter my office, I have a comfortable, fun area filled with books, toys, stuffed animals, and interesting gadgets.  For seating, I have bean bags (which the kids love), a soft pillow, a chair, and a rug.  I bought my bean bags at Garden Ridge - they have a large assortment.  My soft pillow came from Dollar General and my rug came from Wal-Mart. 

Of course, every school counselor needs a sandbox!  I also have a dry erase board.  I sometimes use this to teach lessons.  I also use a projector to project relevant YouTube video clips onto the white board for small groups.

 

 

 

More décor tips to come in another blog post...