Dear Jennifer: My Friend's Child Rough-Houses Too Much...What Do I Do?

Hi all,

After posting my blog, I received a question from a concerned parent.  First, let me begin by saying that I am not a parent myself (yet).  :)

Secondly, my college and graduate work, personal research, and many experiences working with parents have given me insight into the world of parenting.  I am not an expert, but I am learning.

Below is the question, and my response...

Question:

Recently I was in a situation where a friend's son was rough-housing with my son, beyond what he was comfortable with. The mom was addressing the problem, but with little change in her child's behavior.

It has been hard to know how to navigate so that my child was protected, while allowing this mom to be the mom. I ended up backing away from play dates for a few months, although my son expressed some concerns about play time with him at preschool. 
 

How do you recommend addressing this issue so that the needs of both children are honored, and so that the other parent involved is encouraged in her parenting, rather than feeling criticized by a frustrated mama-bear?

I felt really concerned that my son would think I wasn't protecting him if I didn't step in, but also concerned that I would be overstepping my friend's parenting responsibilities if I did so. How do you find an appropriate balance?

Wow, what a difficult question to answer!  Parenting is such a sticky issue because, especially as women, being a mother becomes a large part of our identity.  If someone suggests that our parenting is less than perfect, we equate ourselves with being incompetent.

So, first of all, let's recognize our humanity - allow for mistakes and value the grace we all need in learning to be a parent.  For indeed, it is a great learning undertaking!


Parenting Styles

There are four well known parenting styles - authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved.  They all differ on the parent's level of warmth (acceptance) and expectations (control).  The below image from www.psychotherapyseattle.com provides a visual image of each parenting style.



In general, the authoritative parenting style with high levels of warmth and high expectation is found to be most effective.  However, in dangerous living conditions (e.g. neighborhoods with violence, drugs, and/or gangs), the authoritarian parenting style can be beneficial.

In my own opinion, I consider a parenting style more flexible than a personality.  They say that the main components of personality are formed by age 6.  Personality is rather stable.  However, I believe that parenting style is more intentional and flexible.

It is good to assess your own parenting style and see how your friend's parenting style may or may not differ.

So back to your question... :)

The "Sandwich" Approach

It is hard for any of us to hear criticism about ourselves or our children.  In general, I follow the "sandwich" technique when approaching a difficult conversation.  Layer the meat of "difficult information" with the bread of "positive information." 

I usually start a difficult conversation with a common goal we share. 

• For example, "I know my boy really enjoys playing with your Tommy.  I love that they can have play dates together." 

Now for the meat of the sandwich...it is always easier for us to accept advice or changes if we feel like the changes are self-directed - in other words, it was our idea.  The meat of the conversation should be a teamwork effort. 

• For example, "I've noticed that the boys rough-house when they are together, and sometimes I worry about one of them getting hurt.  What do you think we can do to help the boys stay safer?" 

This exchange is an adult to adult exchange.  It acknowledges the shared purpose and the value of the other individual's ideas. 

Since the other parent feels safe in this conversation, she is more likely to express her own frustrations or failed efforts.  This approach allows both of you the opportunity to share in a mutually beneficial conversation and generate ideas to set appropriate boundaries for the boys. 

Creating a Safe Environment

The key is creating a safe environment in which the other parent does not feel attacked.  When the other parent feels attacked, she goes into "fight or flight" mode.  She will either fight, argue, or defend herself and her child...or she will refuse to engage in the conversation.  Neither the "fight or flight" mode are beneficial in this situation.

Here are 4 steps to creating a safe environment:

1. Establish a mutual purpose. 
2. State your observations.
3. Elicit and value the other parent's feedback.
4. Share your feedback. 

If the parent continues to set boundaries that put your son at risk, it is your choice to restrict his time with the other child. 


Natural Consequences

For children who rough-house too much, limited play dates sometimes become a natural consequence of their behavior.  Parents and children who once were playmates begin to withdraw.  This natural consequence can help both the parent and child re-evaluate their behavior and modify as needed.