Counseling Office Decor - Bright Colors with a Tropical Theme

 

I love my door this year!  I used hot glue to stick kid-sized flip flops on the door.  It says, "Welcome to the US Virgin Islands" because each classroom this year is representing a US State or territory.  I found battery-operated colored lights at At Home to hang around my door. 

 

 

Since our school has a United States theme this year, my door is decorated with a 50 states border.  I love the simple signs on this door. They help educate teachers, parents, and students about my role and my ethical values.

 

This is the student self-referral box.  Students in 2nd-5th grade can complete a referral form and put it in my mailbox.  Students check off one or more of the following reasons why they want to see me: 1) Friends  2) Home  3) My Class  4) Myself  5) Something Secret or Private

Teaching Children Deep Breathing and Mindfulness

Below are 3 great videos to help your kids learn the art of deep breathing and mindfulness.

This 2-minute video explains the 3 steps to meditation, including sitting posture, feeling your breath, and dealing with distractions.  Great video for students or staff!




The video below (a little over 1 minute) explains the brain regions impacted by mindfulness/deep breathing. It introduces three words - prefrontal cortex, hippocampus, and amygdala. Great for elementary school-aged students!




The 3.5 minute video below helps students better understand the mind-body connection. It uses relatable students to teach the concept of deep breathing.

 

Helping Kids Set Boundaries

This week, I talked with a student whose parent often becomes angry. She feels responsible for the parent's emotions and poor behavior. She finds ways to calm the parent and keep the parent happy. Instead of being able to focus on herself, she has taken on responsibility for another human being. Boundaries have been blurred.

What are Boundaries? 
A boundary defines "what is me and what is not me" (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 31).  Boundaries are developed in the context of a safe relationship, usually with the mother.  They allow the child to feel safe and attached enough to venture out and be independent.  In other words, the world feels safe enough for the child to practice making decisions on their own.

When Kids Say "No"
When a child exercises their "no," they are practicing boundaries.  As educators and parents, we often believe the idea that we are the adult, they are the child, and there is no room for discussion.  However, saying "no" is one of the first boundaries a child practices.  If we respond with a "my-way-or-the-highway" approach, we are sending two messages:

1. I don't respect your 'no."

2. Do what I say now, whether you agree with it or not.

If we, as safe adults, don't allow children to practice their "no," they may not be ready to say "no" later in life, perhaps five years later when their friends pressure them to use marijuana.  We don't want our children to act under coercion, even if it is our coercion.  This will lead to a teenager who either people pleases or does "the right thing" only when you are around.

Instead, we respect their "no" (within limits) and allow natural consequences to occur. 

If we choose to emotionally withdraw when they don't do as we expect, we send the message, "When I'm good, I am loved.  When I'm bad, I am cut off" (p. 77).  Imagine how you would feel if you internalized this message (which you may have) and lived your life according to this.  What a rollercoaster of emotions!


Boundaries and Trauma
Many of my students are exposed to trauma.  Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend (1992) describe trauma as similar to "lightning hitting a tree."  It shakes a child to their core as they question two beliefs:

"1. The world is reasonably safe.

2. They have control over their lives."

 

(Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p 83)

These two beliefs are at the heart of developing healthy boundaries.  Children who have experienced trauma often do not have the safe attachment that allows them to feel confident in setting boundaries.  They may have difficulty with physical boundaries (personal space and respecting their body), emotional boundaries (trying to make others happy or trying to make others like them), and verbal boundaries (giving into peer pressure).




What Can We Do?
As school counselors, we can help children heal and practice their boundaries.  Below are three concepts we can integrate into our counseling and instruction:

You are responsible for your happiness.  You are not responsible for someone else's happiness.

You are responsible for your own choices, and the natural consequences that follow.

You can say "no" and be respected.  You also have to respect other people's "no's." 

The next time a child says, "No," you just might think of it in a different way.

Reference
Based on Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend (1992). Boundaries.

 

Feeling Helpless as a First Responder

The First Responder
As a school counselor, I often feel like the first responder in a psychological crisis.  I am like the EMT that escorts the child to the psychological hospital (aka. the therapist's office) where most of the intense recovery work takes place. 

Unfortunately, for some of my students, the parents either do not have the resources or do not see the need for their student to receive counseling, and the child is left in my care.  I am the only "psychological" doctor they will see.

At a recent conference, I was grappling with the anxiety of being a first responder in trauma recovery.  After a presentation on trauma, I once again felt the helplessness of only being a school counselor. 

Hoping to find some inspiration, I pursued a conversation with the presenter. "Many students at my school are dealing with trauma."  I recounted a story to him of a child who had witnessed a terrifying domestic violence incident. The child sobbed in my office as she told me the story.  I felt helpless.  I knew this child needed support to process such a cruel act.  She herself felt helpless.  How could I, feeling helpless myself, help her? 

A Healing Relationship
In this moment, I was to be what Judith Herman (1997) calls "a healing relationship."  Peter Levine and Maggie Kline (2007) compare it to being "a band-aid or a splint. The band-aid or splint doesn't heal the wound, but protects and supports the body as it restores itself" (p.84).  Peace refers to this relationship as "the Constant" - a relationship we can recall in our memory that is comforting, consistent, and inspiring.  Peace says this relationship may be "your mom, a close friend...your cat, a deceased relative." 

In all three definitions, this healing relationship is consistent and provides a safe place for healing to occur. The school counselor is the band-aid.  The school counselor is the healing relationship.  The school counselor is the Constant to many children who have experienced trauma. 

Below are several research-based guidelines for establishing a safe, healing relationship with children who have experienced trauma.

1. Set boundaries.
After a child has experienced trauma, they may actively seek someone to relieve them of their pain.  The child may idealize the counselor, or another adult they trust.  They may set such high, impossible standards for the counselor that the counselor will inevitably fail.  Talk with the child about boundaries, and what you can and cannot do as their counselor (Herman, 1997).

2. Empower the student.
Do not assume the role of "rescuer", thereby allowing the child to stay in the role of "victim."  Herman (1997) warns that "the more the therapist accepts the idea that the patient is helpless, the more she perpetuates the traumatic transference and disempowers the patient" (p.142).  Give the child as much opportunity as possible to make choices, voice their feelings, and be their own advocate.  In the beginning, help the child establish safety by focusing on taking care of themselves (e.g. eating and sleeping routines), managing their post-traumatic symptoms, and developing trust. 

3. Care for yourself.
Listening to traumatizing stories day after day is exhausting.  You emotionally identify with the child, sometimes experiencing similar feelings of helplessness and fear.  As you hear and "re-live" these stories, you must grapple with existential questions like "How can a loving God allow this to happen?"  You may call into question some of your own relationships and find yourself being less trusting of others.  In order to care for the child through this emotional tumultuous process, you must also care for yourself.

Herman (1997) compares trauma recovery to running a marathon.  It is not a single event.  It is not one single moment in time where the child bares their soul.  Instead, it is a slow process that requires honesty, grit, and a healing relationship.

I do not suggest that trauma recovery work should take place in the school setting.  However, trauma and its symptoms are brought to school everyday.  The school counselor must be prepared to be a first responder to children in trauma. While we may not be the private practice counselor that processes the traumatic event with the child, we do want to be a safe, healing relationship for the child.


References
Levine, P. A. & Kline, M (2007). Trauma through a child's eyes. Berkeley, California: North Atlantic Books and Lyons, Colorado: ERGOS Institute Press.
Herman, J (1997). Trauma and recovery. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Peace (unknown). Psychopath free.

Why I Matter So Much (and Why YOU Do Too!)

The past few months have been quite stressful.  Working as a school counselor at a high needs school means lots of crisis intervention, lots of teacher consultation, and lots of individual counseling on serious issues. 

The title of this post may sound pompous.  If so, it is misunderstood.  It is not just why I matter so much, but also why YOU matter so much. 

This week, I had to remind myself that I am the most valuable therapeutic tool I have available.  CBT is great, and social skills training can be effective, but none of these techniques or tools compare to the value of myself.

If the students see me as approachable, they will seek me out.  If the students see me as safe, they will drop their defenses. If the students see me as trustworthy, they will share their hidden truths. If the students see me as caring, they will know that their feelings matter in this great big world.

Any counselor can SAY all of these things - "You can trust me.  Your feelings matter.  You are safe here."  But showing them WHO I AM is what welcomes their trust, respect, and confidence AND makes the difference.

 

Do you feel like you are less than approachable, less than safe, less than....how do you become who you want to be?  I have 2 quick rules that guide me as a school counselor.

1)  No child (or teacher) is an interruption.  Interruptions are part of my job (although they didn't make the official job description).  Deal with interruptions with grace - as if you were expecting the person.  Although boundaries are needed, never make a student feel like their feelings, needs, or presence are unwanted or unimportant.

2)  Be genuine.  The truth is I love my kids.  Carl Rogers speaks of congruence in person-centered therapy.  If you don't love your kids, if you have lost your passion, step back and reflect. Genuineness will fuel the extra emotional energy, the extra time, and the extra creative power you need to be an effective counselor.

Tracking Students

If you are a school counselor - I am sure you have had this experience...

You are in the hallway walking from Point A to Point B and a teacher stops you to alert you about a student concern.  You listen, acknowledge the problem, and commit to work with the teacher and student to help resolve the problem.

You continue to walk and another teacher stops you to discuss a student problem.  You respond similarly, and continue walking.

By the time you arrive back at your office, 3 teachers have shared 3 concerns with you, but you only remember 2 of the 3 concerns.  You quickly write in your planner or on sticky notes a brief description of the issue, and then rush off to teach a guidance lesson.

How Do We Track Student Needs?
I currently work at a school with a high number of individual student needs.  I have the scenario above happen to me on a weekly basis.  I truly believe in being preventative in my approach through guidance lessons, but often times I am working with students who are in crisis or acting out in the moment.

A little over a week ago, I decided that I need a way to prioritize and better track students.  Although my brain is pretty amazing at multi-tasking, it sometimes fails when managing a caseload of 550 students and over 25 teachers. 

Tracking Tool on Google Drive
So I created a simple tracking system on Google drive to help me track my students.  This is different from my individual counseling log, and instead helps me to group students by need.  I think this tracking system will help me as a I create small groups, target specific needs in our school, and ensure that I am working with priority need students individually.

To create this in Google, simply click Drive --> Create --> Spreadsheet.  Or if you're less comfortable with Google, you can create an old-fashioned spreadsheet. 

Categories
I chose 5 categories for students:

• Priority Students (Students who recently experienced a crisis - recent death, suicidal ideation, family change, recent disclosure of abuse)
• Social Skills and Friendships (Students with "girl drama" issues, students with Asperger's/Autism, students who have difficulty maintaining positive relationships with others)
• Anger Management (Defiance issues, threatening others, fighting, disrespecting the teacher)
• Motivation (Students not turning in homework, lacking study skills, not making a connection between schoolwork and their future, apathetic attitude)
• Check-In Students (Students who need to be regularly encouraged or need a positive adult relationship in the school to keep on track.)

How to Use this Tool
This spreadsheet is meant to be fluid - as student needs change, so does the spreadsheet.  It is meant to be a planning tool.  At the beginning of the week, I can sit down with my planner and my Google drive spreadsheet and decide:

• Who do I need to see this week?
• Do I need to create any small groups?
• Are there any students I need to add or remove from my tracking lists?

Using Guided Imagery and Meditation with Children

What is Trauma?

When we think of the word trauma, we typically think of war, accidents, or 9/11.  However, trauma can be caused by a variety of things - domestic violence, medical procedures, falls, divorce, death of a family member, bullying, and natural disasters.

As Levin and Kline (2007) note, "Trauma is in the nervous system - not in the event."  This basically means that how the child processes the event determines whether it becomes traumatic to the child.

Levin and Kline (2007) identify 3 parts of the brain. 

1. The first is the neocortex, which is the thinking part of the brain.  The complexity of this part of the brain makes human unique.
2. The second is the limbic part of the brain, which deals with emotions and memory. 
3. The last part of the brain is the brain stem and cerebellum, which deals with survival instincts. 

Using Guided Imagery and Meditation

When trauma occurs and is not processed, physiological sensations may remain in the brain stem and cerebellum - such as fear, hyperarousal, or constriction.  Our typical counseling techniques do not work when dealing with unresolved trauma. This part of the brain is not accessed by asking a child how they feel (e.g. happy, sad, angry) or by asking them to think about the situation. 

This brings us to guided meditation.  Guided meditation engages the child's entire being in using their five senses (touch, taste, smell, hearing, seeing).  It helps the child become in touch with 1) a relaxed state of being, the opposite of hyperarousal.  It also 2) gives the child the opportunity to access physiological sensations that may still exist from the trauma.  Often these sensations are semi-conscious or unconscious to the child, but may still impact the child.

Trauma Through a Child's Eyes, Levine & Kline (2007).

Examples

Below is an example of one guided meditation that can be used with children.

The video below is a good introduction to guided meditation for children.  However, I would recommend that children close their eyes throughout the entire meditation.  I find the video to be distracting.

Applications for the School Counselor from "Man's Search for Meaning" - Part 2

Frankl addresses what he calls "the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way" (Frankl, p. 66).

Attitude is Everything
Psychology discusses the locus of control within an individual. Students with an external locus of control believe that external events determine their happiness. When things go wrong, they are likely to blame others, blame their teacher, and blame their circumstances. Pointing the finger or phrases such as "But he did this to me" are common from these students.  They feel that their world is controlled by the events around them.

On the other hand, students with an internal locus of control believe that they maintain a sense of control despite external events.  For example, a student with an internal locus of control will say, "I am responsible for my actions" despite their classmates goofing off or being disruptive.

One of my fourth grade students demonstrates an internal locus of control.  Despite living in poverty herself, she chooses to focus on what she can do.  She babysits younger children in her neighborhood and helps to teach them letters and numbers. 

As school counselors, we must help students change the lens through which they view the world. 

Questions that promote an internal locus of control include:

• Can you control him/her?
• Who are you responsible for?
• What was your part in the problem?
• What can you do to help change the situation? 

Helping Students Find Meaning

Frankl said "the prisoner who had lost faith in the future - his future - was doomed" (Frankl, p. 74). Based on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we know that students living in poverty worry about their physiological and safety needs.  Sometimes my students are sleeping on couches, worrying about what they will eat for dinner, afraid of being evicted from their home, or fearful of neighborhood violence.  These students are living at the bottom of the pyramid.
 


(Image taken from costaricantimes.com)

The top portion of Maslow's pyramid focuses on concepts such as "respect of others", "morality," "achievement", and "inner potential."  When working with students in poverty, it is important to support their ascent to the top of the pyramid.  Frankl quotes a saying - "He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how (Frankl, p. 76)."  This shows us even more so how important it is to help students in poverty find purpose, meaning, and potential.

Practical Ways to Promote Meaning and Purpose
Frankl identifies three main ways: "(1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering" (p. 111)


Work

• Students living in poverty have less exposure to college and professional career options.  College and career exploration is a great way to help students "ascend" the pyramid. 
• Career Cafes 
• Career professionals are invited to speak to students during their lunchtime.  Students learn about the profession and are given the opportunity to ask questions.
• Build connections with the Career and Technical Education programs at your local high school
• For example, the students in the Nursing program at our local high school will be coming to lead hands-on activities with fifth grade students interested in nursing.
• A Good Deed
• Work is not the only way to find meaning.  Frankl also discusses doing "a good deed."  Service projects and fundraisers are a great way to help promote an internal locus of control in students.  Instead of students asking, "What can I get?", they are challenged to ask, "What can I give?"

• Relationships

• Promoting positive relationships is a large part of our role as school counselor. 
• Staff Mentor Program
• Pair volunteer staff with students exhibiting behavior problems - focus on building a positive relationship between the student and staff member!
• "Steps to Respect" Program
• The program is scripted and a "ready to go" program that helps students learn and practice relationship-building skills with their peers.
• Meaning
• Part of my job is helping students find healing, whether it be going through their parents divorce or witnessing domestic violence.
• Frankl encourages us to go a step beyond this - not only can students find healing, but also meaning in their suffering.

 

Existential Vacuum

Frankl conducted a survey which found that 25% of American students showed signs of what he calls that "existential vacuum." Comparable to the Sunday afternoon "blah," the existential vacuum occurs when a person has a lack of meaning for their life.

*Depressed and suicidal students are likely to shows signs of the existential vacuum. 



School counselors can help provide meaning for students through:

• Classroom jobs
• Pairing them with mentors
• Peer helper programs
• Service projects
• Classroom buddies for new students 
• Connecting them with volunteer opportunities

One Last Point...Anticipatory Anxiety
One last point I would like to address is anticipatory anxiety.

The first school I worked at as a school counselor was an affluent, suburban school.  Many of our students, especially high achieving students, experienced anticipatory anxiety. They would become excessively worried before a test, in anticipation of a family change, or before applying for a club or leadership position.

Frankl discusses paradoxical intention. From a layman's perspective, this is basically giving the student permission to do whatever he or she fears will happen. For example, "I want you to miss as many problems as possible on your test." This will likely make the student laugh, but paradoxically giving the student permission to do this will actually ease their anticipatory anxiety.

Applications for the School Counselor from "Man's Search for Meaning" Part 1

This past month, I have been reading Man's Search for Meaning, written by Victor Frankl.  Victor Frankl was a doctor who experienced the horrors of the concentration camps during World War II, and then later treated patients recovering mentally and emotionally from the concentration camps.

One quote from the book reads, "An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior (Frankl, p. 20)." 

Application #1: When our students are going through divorce, abuse, homelessness, violence, or any other type of trauma, we can expect an abnormal reaction.  This may display itself as acting out - disruptive, threats, fighting, fits - or acting in - withdrawal, loss of interest in friends and school, self-harm, or thoughts of suicide.  This might be considered "normal" in the context of an abnormal situation.  Later in this post, we will talk about how to address these concerning reactions.

The book also discusses the 3 main phases the prisoners go through.  The second stage is apathy.  In this stage, the prisoner's dulls everything else to focus on one goal - survival. 

Application #2: While our students do not live in prisons, some do live in homes and neighborhoods where they live in fear because of violence, poverty, domestic violence, and abuse.  We must accept that psychologically they may appear egocentric - focused on themselves.  They may seem to only care about lunch and sleep, along with anything pleasurable - such as video games or recess.  These students may be focused on their survival due to the conditions in which they daily live.  So how do we help these students?

Application #3: First, Frankl discusses the importance of the inner life during the phase of apathy.  We can help students use visualization to find what motivates them and hold onto those powerful thoughts.  Art and nature also become very important.  When I say art, I am not just referring to painting or drawing.  It could be writing poems, singing songs, or making sculptures out of clay.

One interesting point Frankl made in his book is this: "To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber.  Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the 'size' of human suffering is absolutely relative (Frankl, p. 44)."

Application #4: This quote has important applications for the school counselor.  We may work with students who have recently lost a parent or are experiencing suicidal thoughts.  In our triage, these students rank highest and require priority attention.  However, we must not forget that other students facing problems lower on the triage are still experiencing suffering.  And, to them, it feels as if the suffering is experienced in their whole being.