Where is My Life Preserver?

I grew up in North Carolina. Every summer we went to a North Carolina beach to spend a week by the sea. I grew up knowing the strength of the sea. Depending on the conditions for the day, there could be riptides, rough waters, or dangerous swimming conditions.

Even so, this summer, I have been surprised at the frequency which the news outlets have reported deaths along the North Carolina coast. Well-intentioned adults trying to save children have died. It's no game. The ocean is powerful, fierce, and shows no bias.

I remember listening to water safety lessons for elementary school students in my first job as an elementary school counselor. Even though I had over 25 years of experience around water, I learned too. NO ONE should jump in and try to save someone drowning - not without the proper equipment or the proper team. A drowning person, in their panic and attempt to survive, may unknowingly cause both individuals to drown.

In fact, it's best to have a life preserver or some type of flotation device for you and the struggling individual. 

Where is your life preserver? Where is your team? 

I spent years jumping into the "water" of children's lives, stories, and pain in an attempt to save them. I saw them struggling, I saw the waters rising above their head, and I couldn't do anything. In fact, I felt the empathetic urge to do everything I could to save them....despite being only one person with limited resources. Well, by now, you might see where this is going. Despite my best intentions and best efforts, I began to drown in compassion fatigue.

It's hard for counselors to understand limits. We harness our empathetic skills and personalities to take on the pain of others so easily. And once we feel their pain, we also feel a responsibility to heal it. Sometimes, we even take other's problems personally. Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements", says, "Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally....Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves." But there's a safety lesson for counselors too. You can be the best swimmer, or the best counselor, but if you don't have the right resources and/or team, you can drown too.

Resources you need may include: scheduled time off, scheduled breaks, the ability to say no, personal hobbies, personal leisure time, agencies with whom you can collaborate, and the list goes on. It's not enough to "know" you need these things. You need to use them. When your plate is full and a coworker or supervisor asks you to take on a new task, you can learn to say, "I appreciate you asking me, but I can't do it" or "I can't do that, but here's what I can do...".

The team you need may include: your own personal counselor, a coworker to de-brief with, a co-worker to consult with, a cheerleader, and an accountability partner to remind you to set your own boundaries.

Some of us, "the professionals", are the ones drowning. Whether there is toxicity in our lives or our workplace, "you cannot heal in the same environment in which you got sick." We need to step away from things to heal ourselves. And stepping away is sometimes the only way to begin healing.

The ocean can be beautiful, but it can also be fierce. There's only one you. You have permission to say no. You have permission to leave a toxic relationship. You have permission to take a day off.

Erich Fromm said, "One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often." Our work is personal because it requires that we use ourselves, our empathy, and our soul. However, we cannot do it alone. Grab your lifejacket, flotation device, and team, and prepare for the waves up ahead.

NOTE: Thank you to my amazing team who were my counselors, co-workers, friends, listeners, cheerleaders and so much more.