Helping Kids Set Boundaries

This week, I talked with a student whose parent often becomes angry. She feels responsible for the parent's emotions and poor behavior. She finds ways to calm the parent and keep the parent happy. Instead of being able to focus on herself, she has taken on responsibility for another human being. Boundaries have been blurred.

What are Boundaries? 
A boundary defines "what is me and what is not me" (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 31).  Boundaries are developed in the context of a safe relationship, usually with the mother.  They allow the child to feel safe and attached enough to venture out and be independent.  In other words, the world feels safe enough for the child to practice making decisions on their own.

When Kids Say "No"
When a child exercises their "no," they are practicing boundaries.  As educators and parents, we often believe the idea that we are the adult, they are the child, and there is no room for discussion.  However, saying "no" is one of the first boundaries a child practices.  If we respond with a "my-way-or-the-highway" approach, we are sending two messages:

1. I don't respect your 'no."

2. Do what I say now, whether you agree with it or not.

If we, as safe adults, don't allow children to practice their "no," they may not be ready to say "no" later in life, perhaps five years later when their friends pressure them to use marijuana.  We don't want our children to act under coercion, even if it is our coercion.  This will lead to a teenager who either people pleases or does "the right thing" only when you are around.

Instead, we respect their "no" (within limits) and allow natural consequences to occur. 

If we choose to emotionally withdraw when they don't do as we expect, we send the message, "When I'm good, I am loved.  When I'm bad, I am cut off" (p. 77).  Imagine how you would feel if you internalized this message (which you may have) and lived your life according to this.  What a rollercoaster of emotions!


Boundaries and Trauma
Many of my students are exposed to trauma.  Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend (1992) describe trauma as similar to "lightning hitting a tree."  It shakes a child to their core as they question two beliefs:

"1. The world is reasonably safe.

2. They have control over their lives."

 

(Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p 83)

These two beliefs are at the heart of developing healthy boundaries.  Children who have experienced trauma often do not have the safe attachment that allows them to feel confident in setting boundaries.  They may have difficulty with physical boundaries (personal space and respecting their body), emotional boundaries (trying to make others happy or trying to make others like them), and verbal boundaries (giving into peer pressure).




What Can We Do?
As school counselors, we can help children heal and practice their boundaries.  Below are three concepts we can integrate into our counseling and instruction:

You are responsible for your happiness.  You are not responsible for someone else's happiness.

You are responsible for your own choices, and the natural consequences that follow.

You can say "no" and be respected.  You also have to respect other people's "no's." 

The next time a child says, "No," you just might think of it in a different way.

Reference
Based on Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend (1992). Boundaries.

 

Feeling Helpless as a First Responder

The First Responder
As a school counselor, I often feel like the first responder in a psychological crisis.  I am like the EMT that escorts the child to the psychological hospital (aka. the therapist's office) where most of the intense recovery work takes place. 

Unfortunately, for some of my students, the parents either do not have the resources or do not see the need for their student to receive counseling, and the child is left in my care.  I am the only "psychological" doctor they will see.

At a recent conference, I was grappling with the anxiety of being a first responder in trauma recovery.  After a presentation on trauma, I once again felt the helplessness of only being a school counselor. 

Hoping to find some inspiration, I pursued a conversation with the presenter. "Many students at my school are dealing with trauma."  I recounted a story to him of a child who had witnessed a terrifying domestic violence incident. The child sobbed in my office as she told me the story.  I felt helpless.  I knew this child needed support to process such a cruel act.  She herself felt helpless.  How could I, feeling helpless myself, help her? 

A Healing Relationship
In this moment, I was to be what Judith Herman (1997) calls "a healing relationship."  Peter Levine and Maggie Kline (2007) compare it to being "a band-aid or a splint. The band-aid or splint doesn't heal the wound, but protects and supports the body as it restores itself" (p.84).  Peace refers to this relationship as "the Constant" - a relationship we can recall in our memory that is comforting, consistent, and inspiring.  Peace says this relationship may be "your mom, a close friend...your cat, a deceased relative." 

In all three definitions, this healing relationship is consistent and provides a safe place for healing to occur. The school counselor is the band-aid.  The school counselor is the healing relationship.  The school counselor is the Constant to many children who have experienced trauma. 

Below are several research-based guidelines for establishing a safe, healing relationship with children who have experienced trauma.

1. Set boundaries.
After a child has experienced trauma, they may actively seek someone to relieve them of their pain.  The child may idealize the counselor, or another adult they trust.  They may set such high, impossible standards for the counselor that the counselor will inevitably fail.  Talk with the child about boundaries, and what you can and cannot do as their counselor (Herman, 1997).

2. Empower the student.
Do not assume the role of "rescuer", thereby allowing the child to stay in the role of "victim."  Herman (1997) warns that "the more the therapist accepts the idea that the patient is helpless, the more she perpetuates the traumatic transference and disempowers the patient" (p.142).  Give the child as much opportunity as possible to make choices, voice their feelings, and be their own advocate.  In the beginning, help the child establish safety by focusing on taking care of themselves (e.g. eating and sleeping routines), managing their post-traumatic symptoms, and developing trust. 

3. Care for yourself.
Listening to traumatizing stories day after day is exhausting.  You emotionally identify with the child, sometimes experiencing similar feelings of helplessness and fear.  As you hear and "re-live" these stories, you must grapple with existential questions like "How can a loving God allow this to happen?"  You may call into question some of your own relationships and find yourself being less trusting of others.  In order to care for the child through this emotional tumultuous process, you must also care for yourself.

Herman (1997) compares trauma recovery to running a marathon.  It is not a single event.  It is not one single moment in time where the child bares their soul.  Instead, it is a slow process that requires honesty, grit, and a healing relationship.

I do not suggest that trauma recovery work should take place in the school setting.  However, trauma and its symptoms are brought to school everyday.  The school counselor must be prepared to be a first responder to children in trauma. While we may not be the private practice counselor that processes the traumatic event with the child, we do want to be a safe, healing relationship for the child.


References
Levine, P. A. & Kline, M (2007). Trauma through a child's eyes. Berkeley, California: North Atlantic Books and Lyons, Colorado: ERGOS Institute Press.
Herman, J (1997). Trauma and recovery. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Peace (unknown). Psychopath free.

Why I Matter So Much (and Why YOU Do Too!)

The past few months have been quite stressful.  Working as a school counselor at a high needs school means lots of crisis intervention, lots of teacher consultation, and lots of individual counseling on serious issues. 

The title of this post may sound pompous.  If so, it is misunderstood.  It is not just why I matter so much, but also why YOU matter so much. 

This week, I had to remind myself that I am the most valuable therapeutic tool I have available.  CBT is great, and social skills training can be effective, but none of these techniques or tools compare to the value of myself.

If the students see me as approachable, they will seek me out.  If the students see me as safe, they will drop their defenses. If the students see me as trustworthy, they will share their hidden truths. If the students see me as caring, they will know that their feelings matter in this great big world.

Any counselor can SAY all of these things - "You can trust me.  Your feelings matter.  You are safe here."  But showing them WHO I AM is what welcomes their trust, respect, and confidence AND makes the difference.

 

Do you feel like you are less than approachable, less than safe, less than....how do you become who you want to be?  I have 2 quick rules that guide me as a school counselor.

1)  No child (or teacher) is an interruption.  Interruptions are part of my job (although they didn't make the official job description).  Deal with interruptions with grace - as if you were expecting the person.  Although boundaries are needed, never make a student feel like their feelings, needs, or presence are unwanted or unimportant.

2)  Be genuine.  The truth is I love my kids.  Carl Rogers speaks of congruence in person-centered therapy.  If you don't love your kids, if you have lost your passion, step back and reflect. Genuineness will fuel the extra emotional energy, the extra time, and the extra creative power you need to be an effective counselor.

Bulletin Boards for the New Year

"Ways to Make Friends" Bulletin Board

 

 

Hopefully this bulletin board will be a great tool to reference during individual counseling and especially small group counseling! 

"See Our 'Fin'tastic Work" Bulletin Board



 

I am excited to display student work on this bulletin board!

"Surf's Up with the 7 Habits" Bulletin Board

 



This bulletin board displays the 7 Habits based on Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Happy Kids.  It just happens to be right above my sandbox, which works well!

A few more Bulletin Boards based on the 7 Habits

Our school has adopted the "Leader in Me" program based on Sean Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and 7 Habits of Happy Kids.

Below are a few bulletin boards I created this past year based on the 7 Habits...

The 7 Habits According to the Presidents

 

 

Habit 1: Be Proactive - Student Work Display

 



"Happy" End of the Year Video

Our staff at school had fun making this end of the year video to the popular song "Happy"!  We changed the words to fit the end of the year theme!

Enjoy!

5 Things for the School Counselor to Do This Summer

1. Reflect

If you are anything like me, you are always thinking ahead...what will my next lesson be?  What will my next project be?  What new counseling technique will I begin using? 


Before you look ahead this summer, look back:
     1. What does my data say about this year?
     2. What would my colleagues say?
     3. What would the parents at my school say?
     4. What would my kids say?
     5.  And then take 5 giant steps back and ask, What would I   
         say?

The level of honesty in your reflection will be equivalent to the level of growth you can experience from your reflection.

The greatest tool of a counseling program, even that of an educator, is yourself.  YOU have to be healthy, compassionate, and available to be effective.

2. Find a good read.

It doesn't matter where you read - in bed at night, by the pool, with your feet in the sand, at the kitchen table eating breakfast, but make time for one professional read this summer.  Here are a few of my favorites:


     1.  How to Win with People by John Maxwell
     2.  Personality Plus by Florence Littauer
     3.  A Framework for Understanding Poverty  
          by Ruby Payne
     4.  How to Win Friends and Influence People
          by Dale Carnegie
     5.  Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor
          Frankl


3. Read up on legal and ethical issues.

During the school year, everyday concerns take over - lessons, making copies, parent phone calls, putting out fires.  There is little time to build on our "foundational skills and knowledge." 

Follow this link to find 2-3 ethical/legal issues that relate to your school, and get up to speed!
http://www.schoolcounselor.org/magazine/category/legal-%7C-ethical

4. Organize your guidance lessons by ASCA's categories - career, social-personal, and academic.


It's this simple - make sure your guidance lessons are in a binder and then sort them into 3 categories using dividers - career, social-personal, and academic.  If you find that one category has only 1 or 2 lessons, look around for a few new ideas for that category.

If you want to go one step further, I sort my guidance lessons into binders by grade level.  This makes it super easy to find a lesson for a class when I need one! 


5. Find your inspiration for next year. 

     1. What will be your top 3 goals for next year?
     2. What is your personal mission statement in your job?
     3. What specific students and/or teachers do you want to connect better with next year?
     4. Which of your talents and strengths do you want to use more next year?  And how will you do
         that?

My personal mission statement is simple - "I want someone to look at me and say, "Because of you, I didn't give up.'"