Helping Kids Set Boundaries

This week, I talked with a student whose parent often becomes angry. She feels responsible for the parent's emotions and poor behavior. She finds ways to calm the parent and keep the parent happy. Instead of being able to focus on herself, she has taken on responsibility for another human being. Boundaries have been blurred.

What are Boundaries? 
A boundary defines "what is me and what is not me" (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 31).  Boundaries are developed in the context of a safe relationship, usually with the mother.  They allow the child to feel safe and attached enough to venture out and be independent.  In other words, the world feels safe enough for the child to practice making decisions on their own.

When Kids Say "No"
When a child exercises their "no," they are practicing boundaries.  As educators and parents, we often believe the idea that we are the adult, they are the child, and there is no room for discussion.  However, saying "no" is one of the first boundaries a child practices.  If we respond with a "my-way-or-the-highway" approach, we are sending two messages:

1. I don't respect your 'no."

2. Do what I say now, whether you agree with it or not.

If we, as safe adults, don't allow children to practice their "no," they may not be ready to say "no" later in life, perhaps five years later when their friends pressure them to use marijuana.  We don't want our children to act under coercion, even if it is our coercion.  This will lead to a teenager who either people pleases or does "the right thing" only when you are around.

Instead, we respect their "no" (within limits) and allow natural consequences to occur. 

If we choose to emotionally withdraw when they don't do as we expect, we send the message, "When I'm good, I am loved.  When I'm bad, I am cut off" (p. 77).  Imagine how you would feel if you internalized this message (which you may have) and lived your life according to this.  What a rollercoaster of emotions!


Boundaries and Trauma
Many of my students are exposed to trauma.  Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend (1992) describe trauma as similar to "lightning hitting a tree."  It shakes a child to their core as they question two beliefs:

"1. The world is reasonably safe.

2. They have control over their lives."

 

(Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p 83)

These two beliefs are at the heart of developing healthy boundaries.  Children who have experienced trauma often do not have the safe attachment that allows them to feel confident in setting boundaries.  They may have difficulty with physical boundaries (personal space and respecting their body), emotional boundaries (trying to make others happy or trying to make others like them), and verbal boundaries (giving into peer pressure).




What Can We Do?
As school counselors, we can help children heal and practice their boundaries.  Below are three concepts we can integrate into our counseling and instruction:

You are responsible for your happiness.  You are not responsible for someone else's happiness.

You are responsible for your own choices, and the natural consequences that follow.

You can say "no" and be respected.  You also have to respect other people's "no's." 

The next time a child says, "No," you just might think of it in a different way.

Reference
Based on Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend (1992). Boundaries.